16,000 people showed up in Memphis for IDOL, and from that we have culled an hour’s worth of oddballs, freaks, kooks, near-misses, and one or three good voices. And I’m about to write up WAY too many of them.

The first thing that jumped out at me last night was how the judges were willing to dispense with people who could sing, but just weren’t unique. Usually, it’s an all or nothing proposition on TV. You suck and the judges send you home, or you can sing and the judges gratefully pass you through to Hollywood. Not so in Memphis last night. They passed on a couple of singers who could, indeed, sing but wouldn’t make it all that far in the voting. They wouldn’t stand out as someone worth watching. It’s good to see that the awful contestants haven’t lowered their standards, after all.

Secondly, it’s nearly unanimous now — if you act like a righteous self-confident punk, you’re not going through. Look at how self-deprecating Kelly Clarkson was in the first season. Look at how humble Taylor was early on last year. Then look at the contestants who tell the camera so proudly that THEY are the next American Idol — that THEY are what Simon is looking for — that THEY are like nothing you’ve ever seen before or heard before. THEY are always toast.

My favorite freak audition of the year so far is Timika Sims. It’s a bit unfair. It’s done with editing, I know, but her blank stares when she’s not talking are hilarious. Her bug eyes give her a natural deer-in-the-headlights look. And her enunciation is second to none. No, it IS none. Nevermind. I’ve never heard a singer on this show before who was so impossible to understand, and that includes immigrants from Europe and Asia for whom English wasn’t a primary language. Wow, that was painful, but funny.

The standout singer of the show, though, was Jason “Sundance” Head. He didn’t know where his father got the name from, but assumed it was a hippie thing. I guess he hasn’t rented the DVD of “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” yet.

In any case, the kid’s got major vocal pipes. Take away some of the repetitive “ooh oohs” and you have the most powerful male voice this competition hasn’t seen, and one with a great bluesy sound. There aren’t that many guys who can even attempt this sound each season. They usually wind up going for the rock sound and failing miserably. Sundance, though, has the natural blues sound in spades. He’s going to run all over people if he can keep up with the pace.

Simon said he’d be shocked if Sundance didn’t make the finals. Given what relatively little we’ve seen so far, so would I. He’s already building his fanbase this early one. If he makes it to the Top 24, he’ll be safe.

Then Simon said that he “blew Taylor out the ballpark.” Man, Simon really hates Taylor, doesn’t he?

Janita Burks (I think that’s her last name, but my handwriting was awful last night) describes herself as “conservative,” yet “sexy.” Conservative, to her, is defined as a dress with a neckline that plunges to her belly button and two large breasts that the judges thought for sure would pop out at every other note. And they came close — she kept adjusting her straps as she sang. Simon’s line of the night in response to her: “You’re a handful.”

I don’t think she caught the joke.

Even more entertaining, though, was her mangling of the English language. “Confidence” became “confidentiality.” What’s the difference, though, really? ;-)

Topher McCain gets a special award for cursing out his ex-wife on television. To quote Simon, again: “you called your wife a b***h on national television.” True dat. And he professed his love for Paula, which only lasted as long as she didn’t tell him “no.” After that, he was done with her. The sad thing is, he reminded me of so many comic geeks I’ve seen at conventions over the years.

More bad auditions after the jump:

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Have to make it quick this week. Full list here.

• Brokeback Mountain: Collector’s Edition (2-disc set) (2005)
• Cowboy del Amor (2005)

I find the juxtaposition of these two titles hilarious. If you’re wondering what that second movie is:

Brilliantly produced little documentary about Ivan Thompson, a 60 year old New Mexico based matchmaker who, for a $3,000 fee, will help a U. S. man find a Mexican woman to marry. Ivan, who was a working cowboy before starting his love match business 16 years ago, calls himself the “Cowboy Cupid.” He’s wiry, energetic, cheerful, mannerly, highly principled, and a natural comedian.

Hunh

• The Guardian (2006)

Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher jump in the water to play.

• The Invincible Iron Man (2007)

Animated direct-to-DVD. Just to whet your appetite for the live action movie.

• Jesus Camp
  

Now Oscar nominated.

• Saw III (unrated) (widescreen) (2006)

Will never see the Oscars on TV, let alone be considered for anything.

• Yojimbo: The Criterion Collection (1961)
• Yojimbo/Sanjuro: Two Films by Akira Kurosawa: The Criterion Collection (2-disc set)

Classics never die. They just get Criterion Collections.

Next week: FLYBOYS and a Michael Bolton DVD. Whoo-hoo!

BREITBART.COM - List of Oscar Nominations

Best Picture: “Babel,” “The Departed,” “Letters From Iwo Jima,” “Little Miss Sunshine,” “The Queen.”

You read that right — no DREAMGIRLS for either Best Pic or Best Director. Beyonce didn’t get nominated as Actress, either. heh heh Here’s the competition for Jennifer Hudson:

Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, “Babel”; Cate Blanchett, “Notes on a Scandal”; Abigail Breslin, “Little Miss Sunshine”; Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”; Rinko Kikuchi, “Babel.”

I think she stands a chance, though going up against Cate Blanchett won’t be easy.

I just realized — I haven’t seen any of the Best Pic nominees. Usually, I’d have seen at least one.

Directing: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, “Babel”; Martin Scorsese, “The Departed”; Clint Eastwood, “Letters From Iwo Jima”; Stephen Frears, “The Queen”; Paul Greengrass, “United 93.”

Will Scorcese finally win one? I’m going to go out on a limb and say he will.

Animated Feature Film: “Cars,” “Happy Feet,” “Monster House.”

Will the politically correct “Happy Feet” triumph over “Cars?” “Monster House” doesn’t stand a chance.

Original Song: “I Need to Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth,” Melissa Etheridge; “Listen” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven; “Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett; “Our Town” from “Cars,” Randy Newman; “Patience” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Willie Reale.

C’mon, Hollywood has to give it to Melissa Etheridge. The Best Documentary category has some stuff competition:

Documentary Feature: “Deliver Us From Evil,” “An Inconvenient Truth,” “Iraq in Fragments,” “Jesus Camp,” “My Country, My Country.”

That’s just a wonderful selection of political issues for Hollywood to choose from. They must be thrilled. Without a holocaust documentary in the competition, the field is wide open. Two movies that won’t look good for religion, one global warming, one anti-Iraq War piece, and “Country Country,” which won’t be anti-Iraq War enough for the Oscar.

(Update: “Iraq in Fragments” might not be anti-war.  In that case, Gore’s chances just reached 100% of winning the Oscar.) 

Yeah, Al Gore takes this one in a walk.

Makeup: “Apocalypto,” “Click,” “Pan’s Labyrinth.”

Ouch, that had to hurt. They nominated a Mel Gibson movie for something. . .

Visual Effects: “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest,” “Poseidon,” “Superman Returns.”

There’s your obligatory superhero movie nomination.

Once again, it’s time to discuss Jack Baeur’s hour of misery, action, murder, and terrorism. And this time around, we got some pretty cool twists, though I’m sure some people might cry “soap opera!” at a couple of them. I’m not sure I’d disagree, but it does paint some of last season in a completely new light.

And doesn’t Jack look all sensitive in this picture?

All spoilers after the jump and in the comments. As always, DO NOT DISCUSS the previews, under threat of banishment and/or death.

(This just in: Jack Bauer and Chloe O’Brien are guest-starring on The Simpson’s 400th episode in May.)

We’ll begin with a great bit of behind-the-scenes information from last week’s premiere:

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Some trends on the fashion runways are just so laughable that you know they’ll never make it to your neck of the woods. The crazier, the more insane, the more idiotic looking things never quite make it to Target. But if you saw THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA last summer, you know that these things do eventually trickle down.

There’s something on the horizon now that’s so frightening and scary that I have to call attention to it. It’s nutty enough that it just might happen this fall. We have eight or nine solid months to steel ourselves for it. If we cross our fingers, the fashion might never make it. Maybe if we start a campaign against it, we can win the war before it starts.

I’m talking here about men’s leggings.

I can deal with the women wearing them again — fashion is cyclical, and seeing teenagers at the mall today wearing the same thing that my generation wore as teenagers is kind of quaint. There really is nothing new under the sun, and it’s funny to see how everything old becomes new again. Madonna’s rubber bracelets made a blip last year, leggings this year. I suspect we’ll see flannel shirts next year when grunge makes its return.

But men? Do we all really want to look like this guy?

Even scarier might be this writeup of this new fashion possibility (emphasis mine):

Marni: Leggings Are the New Must-Have - Yahoo! News

That said, I know a lot of guys who wear leggings around the home to watch DVDs, lounge around before Premiership games or surf the Internet. But actually on the street, never mind into a nightclub or bar? Yet, the truth is that leggings are way more comfortable than pants and that if we fellows were not all so uptight and worried about our status we would have all begun wearing them a long time ago. So hats off to Castiglioni, and on with the leggings.

I don’t know any man who lounges around the house in his bike pants. Do you? And forget the Pajamas Media bloggers. Think of the Leggings Media bloggers. ::shudder::

And I don’t think it’s a status thing that I’m all that worried about. I think the writer needs to pay more attention to the specific anatomical differences between men and women that make wearing skin tight clothing on a man look a little less appealing in general. . .

Ewwwww

Update: Listen to clips from the album.

Video Game Links:

• Best Buys are getting new Wii stock tomorrow. Target, too? (Replace last five digits in URL with your zip code to check.)
• More details on the SSX game for the Wii begin to amass. Here are screen shots. Here’s a fuller writeup. Controls sound a little overwhelming at first, but I’m sure you get used to it quickly. I did with the GameCube versions, which use way too many buttons for my usual gaming pleasure.
• Guitar Hero II - hacked?!?

On the web:

• 12 Basic CSS Templates. Handy for when you’re programming/designing your next blog!
• Text-based Pong. Hilarious! (Thanks, Rob.)

General Interest:

• If you’re a pilot, you don’t want to land in these places. Great pics. And none of them include San Diego’s airport. . .

It’s Champions Week, with six players who have World Series of Poker Main Event bracelets: Doyle Brunson, Johnny Chan, Chris Ferguson, Carlos Mortensen, Chris Moneymaker, and this year’s winner, Jamie Gold.

In this third week, I’m starting to see more differences between this show and all the others. For starters, there’s an awareness that this is a TV show. Most poker shows do all they can to edit the tournaments together without a mention of the fact that it’s on TV. You don’t hear the players talking about the lights or the cameras all that much, even as The World Poker Tour places giant projectors behind the players showing them playing as they go. In Poker After Dark, Doyle Brunson and Chris Ferguson talk about counting how many cameras are on them. Jamie Gold repeatedly discusses the difference between good poker play and good television. (I guess you can do that after winning more than $12 million last year, eh?) And it was only a couple of weeks ago that Phil Hellmuth had his little blow-up and brought the producer on camera to discuss matters of rules.

The announcer is having to work extra hard this week. While they keep his role to an absolute minimum, the long quiet periods in the show after the first couple of days are getting tough to watch. They get so quiet that someone needs to say something. And I think I’m sick of hearing, “And Moneymaker takes the pot.” I almost wish they would bring in a poker expert to discuss the hands being played in the latter days.

Still, I enjoy the announcer’s role. It’s a mix between helpful fact-checker and snarky World Series of Poker gag man. You can’t help but want to poke fun at the players for all their foibles and habits, and the announcer gives the viewer that voice. And while clearly scripted, it feels natural. The problem other poker shows have is that you know they’re scripted long after the tournament is over. The announcers talk like they don’t know what’s going to happen next when they have to know. The tournament is over. They’re just dubbing in stuff later. If you think about it for a half second, everything they say becomes suspect.

As for the players: I can’t help but root for Doyle in any of these situations. It’s almost wrong not to root for the guy. He’s the Godfather of Poker. Or, at least, the Grandfather of Poker. As the WPT repeatedly points out, he wrote the book, for goodness’ sake. And it’s a lot of fun to see him apply what he’s written to the game. In fact, that’s true for all of the players. You’re not getting lost amateurs going up against professionals here. You’re not getting endzone dances with every large pot won. It’s subdued and respectful and mature. (Minus any episode Mike The Mouth or Phil H. is in, of course.) It’s fun to play along with the best of the best, particularly when you see so many hands that you can see how they think about common every day decisions.

It’s only Moneymaker and Gold that I worry about. Gold is new to me. I didn’t watch the WSOP on ESPN last year, so this is the first I’ve seen of him. He seemed to get outplayed an awful lot, and wasn’t aggressive enough to take small pots early, instead of losing big pots later. However, he had a run near the end of his tournament where his offbeat and passive/aggressive style was really confusing the other players at the table. That said, he needs to cut it out with the blueberries and the ten minute decisions on hands he knows he should fold. It was ridiculous, and I don’t think Doyle looked too amused by it. Painful.

Moneymaker is a curious fellow. He’s the kickstarter of the poker boom, for sure, with his memorable win over Sammy Farha in the WSOP 2003. And I suppose I was part of that, too. (I first got into poker, as I recall, after he won but before ESPN started playing those episodes.) So we can all be grateful to him for that, but it brings up a couple of points: Is he really that good? From what I’ve read, he hasn’t been too successful since winning the WSOP. And some of his play this week is just a half step above Jamie Gold’s play. On the other hand, he bluffed Ferguson out of a monster pot at mid-week that impressed me. He’s got skills, but I don’t know how consistently he utilizes them. Plus, he’s tough to watch. You want to give him a shave and a haircut so badly. . . And then make him get some exercise. Yes, I realize this is horrible superficial and mean, but there’s something about him that just makes me want to turn the channel when he’s on the screen.

Contrast that with Greg Raymer. He’s not a male model, either, but I enjoy watching him. He may not have been a pro when he won the Series, but he had the credentials. And he’s had some success in poker since his win. He’s terribly kind and respectful of the others at the table, and he stands up to the beatings that twerps like Matusow try to put on him. He’s fun to watch. I’d rather have Raymer as that figurehead of the poker boom than Moneymaker.

At the same time, the Poker Boom gets annoying sometimes. I like watching these top pros. There are a dozen different poker shows on TV right now, and the ones with the wild amateurs are not nearly as much fun to watch as the ones with just the top level professionals. But that might just be me.

Long story short: NBC’s Poker After Dark is a winner of a show for me, even when the hour is filled mostly with silent contemplation of its players. Still, I look forward to the World Poker Tour for my fill of the faster-paced action soon. . .

Related Various and Sundry posts:

• Week One Updates and thoughts on week two (11 Jan 2007)
• Initial Series Thoughts (07 Jan 2007)
• How to shuffle a deck of cards. (13 April 2005)

They billed it as the worst city ever. Of course, IDOL likes to bill as many cities as possible that way these days. But it was rather wretched. I laughed more last night than I did on Tuesday night. I wonder if they just edited it together better, or if it was the overall packaging that put me in the right mindset to enjoy “The Worst City Ever.” (Really, it’s like Simon calling someone the worst singer he’s ever heard. He says that at least three times each season.  Does anyone believe it anymore?)

Maybe it’s possible they’re saving the best cities for last? I imagine the auditions they held at the Meadowlands not too far from here in Northern NJ would qualify for that. Any audition in the land of Broadway rejects has to be good, right? My bigger question — will Idol try to call this a “NYC Audition?” Probably. We’re likely to see skylines of NYC followed by cuts to the Giants Stadium parking lot. ::sigh::

In any case, let’s bullet-point Seattle today:

• I think the most fun of the night was in watching Simon eyeing contestants up as they walked into the room. There were some fashion disasters.
• Speaking of doors — I think that’s my favorite running gag of the week. Maybe I like The Three Stooges too much, but seeing people try to exit out the left door instead of the right so often was funny to me. I know it’s an honest mistake and IDOL did nothing to dissuade people from doing it (would a taped-up sign have been too much to ask?), but it is funny. I wonder if they started requesting double doors for every audition room they used to provoke this silliness?
• Simon line of the night #1: “I think you’re easily pleased, Paula.”
• I liked the beat-boxer kid, Blake Lewis. He’d do well with Rockapella or another a capella group looking for a rhythm section. Will he work on IDOL? Not unless he gives up everything that makes him unique. Shame, that.
• And it holds true this season once again — anyone who describes themselves as having a unique sound and saying that nobody else on IDOL has ever sounded like they do, inevitably suck.
• Giants player Felipe Sparks has a daughter that can sing. Yay!  Go Blue!
• Randy doesn’t look so skinny anymore. I don’t think he’s gained weight. I think we’ve just grown used to the skinner him. He still has a way to go. Maybe Paula’s pain pills would help?
• Simon line of the night #2: “You just put through a giraffe.”
• Danny Zitzmann made a fool out of himself with “Unchained Melody” because he’s too stupid to realize his co-workers wanted him to go make a fool of himself on national television. Poor kid. Anyone who protests, “I can sing pretty good” that much deserves the humiliation, though.
• Simon line of the night #3: “It was almost non-human.”
• The majority of the contestants this season seem to be all either 16 years old or 27/28 years old. Wild. Where did the middle of the pack go? Yeah, they’re probably holding onto their jobs and not trying out.
• Poor “Bohemian Rhapsody” has to get butchered every season, doesn’t it?
• The Malakar siblings will be interesting to watch. He might have the better voice, but he needs to work on his look. First off, get a friggin’ hair cut! She’s got a better voice, but needs to emote a little more. She sang “Summertime” almost like an up-tempo pop song.  It’s the same old story that nobody listens to the lyrics to understand what they’re singing.
• Next week - Memphis.

American Idol:

• American Idol will have a Beatles week this season.
• A great writeup of one person’s experience trying out for AI in Seattle. (Thanks, Patricia!)
• McPhee meets lonelygirl15.
• Full American Idol writeup for Seattle coming this afternoon. . .

Mac Stuff:

• The curious specs for the AppleTV. Very underpowered. Perhaps purposefully? Energy conservation? Price considerations? Hollywood demands?
• Revision3 and Digg’s Jay Adelson on why Apple TV matters. He makes a strong case.
• Latest rumor: Apple to announce Beatles on iTunes with SuperBowl ad?
• Pretty soon, you might be able to use (Linux) KDE applications on the Mac.

Web Stuff:

• WeatherBill has officially launched. You can now bet on the weather legally.
• Create your own favicon for your website. Expect this to show up at Various and Sundry real soon now.

Miscellaneous:

• Less than 4% of published books are still commercially viable.
• The results are in! You can, indeed, lose weight with the Wii.
• 23 Tips for Hacking Your TiVo.

You’ve heard of the Broken Windows Theory, right? It’s no relation to Microsoft, though it does sorta fit. It basically says that if you have a broken window and don’t fix it, people around you won’t think anything of not fixing their broken windows. In fact, more windows will be broken and the whole neighborhood will go to pot. I’m summarizing this poorly, but it’s basically true.

You get what you give.

American Idol has now fallen victim to this completely. So long as they continue to feature these useless wastes of time with no singing talent who think they somehow “deserve” to be famous (welcome to Young America 2007), they’ll continue to be swamped with a parade of talentless hacks looking for their fifteen minutes on the highest rated TV series of its time. They’ll have to put up with the idiots in robes, the megafans who can’t hear themselves, the Urban Amish (who can be seen in the background of every other person interviewed in the holding room), the devil stick twirlers, the Cowardly Lion impersonators, and more. They bring it on themselves. They can fill giant stadiums (”stadia”?) across the country with people who want to try out, but they don’t need to. There aren’t that many talented people.

And they know it. There IS a screening process before contestants make it to the three judges. Producers dump 95% or more of the contestants at a glance. But of the final five percent, 4.5% are still worthless, thrown in there to make “good TV.” And that’s why next year they’ll continue to have to go through the laborious process of renting a football stadium and narrowing it down again and again and again.

But, hey, that’s their problem. My problem is that it led to two hours of television last night that mostly felt very very old. We’re retreading old ground. We’ve been here and done that. While they can find some new ways to package it to make it entertaining, it’s still a marathon I don’t want to run anymore. I have better things to do with my two hours (OK, hour and a half with the TiVo) than sit through tone-deaf hacks who are just having “bad days” and letting their “nerves” get to them. Right.

It’s gotten so bad now that you can pick out the people who know they stink, but just want to be on television. American Idol created William Hung. And now they’re reaping the “rewards.” Does that idiot with the devil sticks really think he can sing? Is he really just an immature kid who thinks he deserves to be famous? I doubt it. He’s a jerk who wants to waste all of our time to get on television. He’s at school today not to cower from those who’d make fun of him for crying on TV, but to accept the accolades of his peers who are proud of him for Punking Idol.

And there’s two more hours of this tonight? ::sigh::

American Idol has spawned a legion of similar shows. One of them, Grease: You’re The One That I Want, is even running at the same time. The old tricks are just that — old. You can’t make ratings gold anymore by repeating the same old tricks. It’s time to innovate again. It’s time to find something new. Mix it up a little. Stop rewarding the punks. Start searching for talent again.

Yes, the show had amazing ratings last night, up even over last year’s premiere. But you can’t sustain a show by repeating the joke for four hours this week, then another couple of hours each week for the next month. We have at least six more shows like this one to get through before we get to Hollywood Hell week and we get to form emotional bonds to contestants we like, or find ones who are in over their head. That’s when the show gets interesting.

Wouldn’t it be great to see American Idol turn away from being a freak show and return to being the world’s best talent search?

Sadly, they’re not likely to learn until it’s too late.

Sure, you could read down the full release list for this week, but why bother? I’ll boil it down a little bit for you. Let it simmer. Stir gently. And let cool for two minutes before serving.

• 24: Season Six Premiere

This contains all four hours of the series thus far. It’s off to a rollicking good start. If you missed it and don’t want to BitTorrent it, here’s the legitimate way to see it.

• Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

That just screams for attention, doesn’t it?

• Dr. Who: Season Two (6-disc set)

Sci Fi Channel fans will love that one. I hear it’s good. I’ve never seen an episode of WHO in my life. My only exposure to it was the FOX TV Movie a few years back that nearly killed the franchise.

• Employee of the Month (2006)

Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson bomb together for the first time. We should have all seen it coming, right? I mean, even Andy Dick inserts himself into this one.

• The Protector (2006)

This is the movie Quentin Tarantino “presented.” Looks like a pretty cool kung fu Hong Kong action flic.

And that’s it for this week. Next week is a little better. There’s a special edition of Brokeback Mountain. Isn’t that exciting?

The animated Iron Man movie is coming, as is a collection of Robert Mitchum films, SAW III, and Walker: Texas Ranger. And Criterion releases their edition of YOJIMBO along with SANJURO, two classic Akira Kurosawa films.

Wall to wall coverage begins tomorrow.

Update: My write-up for this episode will be up later this afternoon, 17 Jan 2007.

• Apple will make new MacBook owners pay to unlock the new 802.11n spec already built in to their computers. Why? Sarbanes-Oxley. Is there no end to the lunacy of that law? (On the bright side, at least it’s only a $5 fee.)
• Whoops. Hold Your Wee for a Wii contestant dies.
• Cisco wanted access to iTunes for the use of the iPhone name. Did they ever think Apple would give them that?
• Whoops. Netscape accidentally breaks RSS for a short spell.
• Impressively large pictures of New York City.
• Whoops. Keifer Sutherland breaks 24 figure prototype. (Via Comic News Tracker)
• Guitar Hero: 1980s Edition announced. (Via Looneyblog)
• Whoops. Miss New Jersey USA resigns — she’s pregnant.

Whoa. They’re serious this season, aren’t they?

First, some non-spoiler stuff:

Not as many big time commercials last night, but there were still a few. They’re still pushing 300, for example. And the Mac had a commercial in there, as well. Fitting, given that Chloe uses one when she’s running around C.T.U.

Chloe gets all the great lines, doesn’t she?

I asked yesterday about when we’d see Audrey Raines this season. Turns out, her TV show isn’t exactly canceled just yet. So she might not make it back at all.

Where do we know Walid (the President’s wife’s sister’s husband) from? It doesn’t look like the IMDB listing for 24 have been updated to include this season’s additions, so I can’t figure it out.

When Keifer Sutherland’s voice tells us when the episode takes place at the start of each week, I still append “on the day of the Democratic National Primaries” to the end of it. I know that’s not exactly what he said in the first season, but it’s still stuck in my head.

Spoilers after the break. Once again, DO NOT discuss coming attractions. Watching them only ruins next week’s show.

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