Amongst all the intricate ins and outs of office politics, day-to-day living, and parking space issues (donate sizably to the United Way), there is one less talked about hot spot of activity in the office that we fail to discuss: the men’s room. Specifically, in an office space of great enough size to contain multiple bathrooms, which is the best one to use?

This is a science I’ve been working on for a number of years now, having worked in no less than four office buildings with multiple men’s rooms per floor.

What’s the best chance you have of not having to unzip while standing up next to another man? I mean, it’s bad enough that you’ll be taking care of your most private bodily discretions while standing up, but do you have to park a stranger next to me in the same position, with nothing but a sliver of a wall slice for privacy hung too low between urinals for taller men to have their view perfectly blocked? Isn’t it bad enough we’ll have to perform those necessary cleansing rituals while the guy next to us rests his arm and head on the flusher? Or spreads both hands out on the wall above the urinal in front of him? Some people are just too comfortable in there.

I hear women talk on the phone in the ladies room. So far, I haven’t seen that in the men’s room. Some barriers, at least, are unbroken in my men’s room exepriences. But I would like to know why mine rings so often when I go to the bathroom. It doesn’t ring all day, but the second things begin in the wter closet, the phone goes off. Oh, and it’s set on vibrate mode. THAT sounds good to anyone else in the room with you.

So, when nature calls, where do you go?

First: location, location, location: go where the least number of people are. If there’s a bathroom that’s next to an elevator bank, for example, it might be slightly further away from cubes than the others. The bathroom next to the conference room is extreme hit and miss. Either it’s empty, or the meeting just got out and there’s ten people in there. If there’s a bathroom at the end of a hallway, there’s only one way for people to get to it, and potentially half as much traffic passing by it. If there’s a bathroom near a section where the people tend to start their day later than you or end earlier than you, it might be a consideration. More on “timing” later.

Second: Go where the least number of MEN are. I’m in IT. Thus, every office I’ve ever worked in has been at least 75% male, ranging up to 95%. But if there’s an H.R. or accounting section of the business on the same floor as you, consider the bathrooms closest to them. Heck, consider the bathrooms closest to ANY department other than IT.

Third: It’s all about timing. If a large chunk of the office has an off-site meeting, then their bathroom is the safest bet. If the schedules for different departments differ from yours, that’ll give you a good indication either at the beginning or end of the day as to which one is best.

Fourth: Don’t be afraid of stairs. Often, the bathroom layout is the same on the other floors of your building, but with everything around them different. If the H.R. department is one floor up, go use theirs. It’s good exercise.

Fifth: Don’t go just before or after lunch. Don’t go just before the end of the work day. Those are all times people run in along their way somewhere else. During the noon hour, though, they’ll all be busy eating out or in their cubes or in the cafeteria, so go ahead and use the bathrooms then.  (This really should be point 3.5, but I’m stretching to get to ten here.)
Sixth: Try not to use the bathroom an hour into the day. That’s when everyone else’s coffee kicks in.

Seventh: If you’re walking to the chosen bathroom and someone gets up from their chair as you pass their cube, they’re going into the bathroom just behind you. Guaranteed. Bastiches! Switch course, quickly! Bail! Bail! Bail!

Eight: Drink less. I know the Surgeon General suggests drinking lots of water, but the Surgeon General has a private bathroom in his office. You can drink when you get home.

Ninth: Know who else frequents which bathrooms. Avoid the ones where the guy washes his breakfast AND lunch Tupperware dishes in the sink, leaving behind bits of lettuce in the sink. Avoid the one where the guy brushes his teeth, gargles with Listerine, and then runs water through his perpetually greasy hair to freshen up. (I only wish I were making things up here.)

Tenth, just wait. Wait until it doesn’t matter to you if there’s a Shriner’s convention going on in the stalls. If you have to go that bad, there’s less to think about. Just GO.