Screw this whole “stop buying coffees” and “never eat out” crap. Let’s live in reality. Let’s live WITH cable television and a new car and an hour-long commute to work. Let’s save money without going crazy. (And, sure, let’s make more money on the side.)

In the grand blogosphere tradition of pretending to know how everyone should live their lives because my own quirky habits should be YOUR quirky habits, here are seven ways to save money. Pardon me if I sometime lapse into parody without warning.

  • Get points on your credit card. And then use it for everything. It’s such a small rate of return, but it’s more than if you paid cash for everything. I get a small check from Amazon every couple of months that way. It’s one hardcover book on the bookshelf, just for using the credit card as often as possible. The trick here, of course, is to always pay off your credit card at the end of the month.
  • Take more money out of the ATM, if you’re not at your own bank. The usage fee is flat, so take out more. You’re not going to make any interest on that $60 you could have left in the bank for a week, after all.
  • Obviously, it’s better to use your own bank and not pay a fee. If your bank charges you to use their ATM card at their branches, then get a new bank.
  • Fill out that rebate form TODAY. Don’t let it sit there until you forget about it and the bastiches at that company keep the money they promised you. (This is really just a reminder to myself, because I have one of those I need to do today.)
  • Buy an iPhone so you can use Google Maps to tell you where the nearest ATM from your bank is. Those $2 service fees you save will pay for the phone in no time, give or take ten years. And Google Maps will save you money on buying maps and Atlases to keep stuffed in the back of the car that you never use.
  • Use ING. I moved my savings account over there and instantly earned 3x interest. It’s fun to watch that Interest Paid number scroll up every day.
  • Buy in bulk. Don’t skip coffee. Or beer. Or fattening foods. Just buy them in bulk at CostCo or BJ’s Warehouse or Sam’s Club. The more you buy, the cheaper it is per unit. Ya gotta spend money to save money!

Next week, maybe: How to get the exercise you need: Park far away from work. Take the stairs. Stretch at your desk. There, that cliche is written. Buy in bulk and carry it to the car — shopping carts are for pansies.

Moving on now. . .